The Realm Does Not Pick Chosen Ones — It Collects Lunatics.
As formally documented by the Goblin Historical Society
(Annotations provided by Senior Archivist: Grubbin Blacktooth, PhD in Irresponsible Anthropology)
Prologue
Most worlds choose their heroes carefully. They consult prophecies, align stars, and look for noble hearts.
The Realm, in contrast, has never demonstrated that level of restraint.
Instead of hand-selecting “Chosen Ones,” the Realm simply waits for the loudest, angriest, most catastrophically stubborn individuals to wander into its borders… and then it adopts them.
Some scholars describe this process as “chaotic magnetism.”
Others call it “cosmic negligence.”
We, the Goblin Historical Society, refer to it more accurately as:
“The Lunatic Attraction Principle.”
Nowhere is this phenomenon more evident than in the case of Lawless and Rage, two rat-born terrors whose arrival marked a measurable spike in property damage, insurance premiums, and noise violations.
What follows is a formal examination of why the Realm selects individuals like them, or, rather why can’t the realm help its self.
I. The Realm Does Not Seek Worthiness
It Seeks… Instability
Contrary to popular belief, the Realm does not respond to noble character, tragic backstories, or exceptional destiny.
It responds to:
- disruptive energy
- emotional combustion
- stubborn refusal to die
- the uncanny ability to break things that should not logically break
- and a certain feral enthusiasm typically found in raccoons and caffeine addicts
Lawless and Rage demonstrated all five qualities before they reached adolescence.
In their first recorded act of heroism, or vandalism, depending on the perspective,
the twins dismantled an entire guard tower because “it looked at them funny.”
The tower, for the record, possessed no eyes.
II. The Realm Watches Potential Lunatics Like Wildlife
And Occasionally Feeds Them
Many assume the Realm is a place.
It is not.
It is an organism.
It shifts. It adjusts. It communicates in tremors, shadows, and unhelpful metaphors.
Somewhere beneath the cracked stone and flickering streetlamps, the Realm evaluates potential recruits as a forest spirit might evaluate potential rats, goblins, witches, lizards, and all sorts of creatures:
- Are they loud enough?
- Are they reckless?
- Can they survive repeated concussions?
- Will they cause story-worthy problems?
- Do they argue with inanimate objects?
(Yes, the twins do. Regularly.)
If the answer is “yes” to at least three, the Realm opens a doorway.
If the answer is “yes” to all five, the Realm tears down the doorway, rolls out a welcome mat, and screams,
“GET IN HERE, YOU MENACES!”
Lawless and Rage qualified instantly.
III. Case Study: Lawless
“The Correct Term Is ‘Spiritually Incorrect.’” , Lawless, in her defense
Lawless is an exemplary case of a Realm-selected lunatic.
Her psychological profile includes:
- ongoing conflict with any and all authority
- pathological need to challenge rules she has not yet read
- gym strength disproportionate to her skeletal frame
- the ability to bond emotionally with motorcycles, roller skates, and stray explosives
- an attitude that oscillates between “I can fix this” and “Let it burn”.
The Realm finds such behavior not only acceptable but nutritionally valuable.
On three separate occasions, Lawless has been observed head-butting problems into solutions.
The Goblin Historical Society has classified this as a rare and dangerous magical trait called:
“Impact-Based Decision Making.”
IV. Case Study: Rage
A volatile masterpiece
If Lawless is a problem, Rage is the echoing aftermath of that problem.
Rage possesses:
- a hair-trigger temper
- exceptional physical strength
- the ability to frighten trained soldiers by simply exhaling
- destructive creativity
- loyalty so intense it frequently causes collateral damage
She is, in short, a force of nature wrapped in denim.
The Realm does not simply allow Rage to exist within it.
It rearranges itself around her to avoid injury.
One notable incident involved a stone wall that attempted to collapse on her.
The wall later apologized.
In writing.
V. Why the Realm Chooses Lunatics Over Heroes
A scholarly explanation (unfortunately)
Heroes tend to follow rules.
Lunatics tend to break them.
The Realm, being held together by spit, magic, and questionable engineering,
requires individuals who can:
- adapt instantly
- cause controlled destruction
- create pathways where none exist
- intimidate hostile forces
- and respond to danger with enthusiasm rather than fear
Heroes ask questions.
Lunatics take action.
Heroes respect boundaries.
Lunatics treat boundaries as a warm-up exercise.
Heroes politely knock on doors.
Lunatics kick doors in and shout,
“I’m here, who wants a problem?”
This, in essence, is why Lawless and Rage were chosen, or more accurately, collected,
like stray voltage or unstable chemicals.
VI. The Realm’s Selection Process
A highly scientific overview
Through extensive investigation, the Goblin Historical Society has identified the Realm’s primary criteria for selecting new champions:
Criterion #1: Unmanaged Emotional Turbulence
If you have ever said, “I’m fine,” while clearly not being fine, the Realm has already added you to its watchlist.
Criterion #2: Alarming Physical Durability
Lawless once fell off a roof, stood up, dusted herself off, and blamed the roof for being too short.
Criterion #3: Chaos Compatibility
Rage cannot walk through a marketplace without something catching fire.
She insists this is “not her fault.”
We insist otherwise.
Criterion #4: Questionable Problem-Solving Strategies
A normal person might fix a broken machine.
Rage threatens it.
Lawless kicks it.
Somehow, it works.
Criterion #5: Narrative Entertainment Value
The Realm gets bored.
Lunatics prevent boredom.
VII. The Unfortunate (and Ongoing) Consequences
As stated in our annual report:
- structural integrity in several districts has decreased by 12%
- productivity has decreased by 34%
- crime has increased by 300%
- morale has increased by 900%
It appears the populace finds the twins “inspiring.”
We find them “a logistical nightmare.”
VIII. Footnotes from the Goblin Historical Society
(Compiled reluctantly)
- Lawless once declared herself “Mayor of a Parking Lot.”
There were no elections.
There was no parking lot afterward.
- Rage attempted peace talks once.
The peace talks ended with the table in flames.
- The twins share one brain cell, which they use only when necessary.
It has never been necessary.
- Goblin recruitment posters now read:
“Join us! Benefits include dental, chaos exposure, and front-row seats to twin-related disasters.”
IX. Conclusion
Heroes are chosen.
Champions are trained.
But lunatics?
Lunatics are found, collected, celebrated, and occasionally restrained.
The Realm does not want obedient servants or noble warriors.
It wants individuals who cannot resist the urge to kick fate in the teeth.
It wants people like Lawless and Rage,
dangerous, loud, loyal, reckless, brilliant in their own catastrophic way.
They were never “chosen.”
They were simply too chaotic to ignore.