Chaos Academy: The Official Cultural Values of the Realm (Revised for Goblins, Gremlins, Mothers on skates & Motorcycle Witches)
Welcome to Chaos Academy, the only educational institution where:
- safety is theoretical,
- rules are optional,
- and the middle finger is part of the core curriculum.
If you’ve stumbled in by accident, congratulations, you belong here more than you think. Nobody arrives at the Realm on purpose; they get dragged, summoned, or fall through a crack in their own sanity and land on the garage floor next to a pile of mismatched roller skates and a goblin chewing on a spark plug.
This guide outlines the cultural values we live by.
Think of it like a syllabus… if syllabi were written by feral women who roll, ride, drive rat rods, tune everything by hand, and refuse to take orders from anyone who doesn’t know how to do any of it properly.
Let’s begin.
1. Petty Magic 101 — It’s Not Spite, It’s Culture.
Petty magic is the cornerstone of the Realm.
It is the glue that holds us together, the spark that energizes our people, the fuel that keeps the emotional wheels running.
Here, petty isn’t a personality flaw.
It’s an art form.
A lifestyle.
A survival mechanism.
A spiritual practice passed down through generations of women who were told to “be nice” and responded by enchanting a crowbar.
We teach:
- Elegant pettiness
- Petty with follow-through
- Petty with power tools
- Petty while roller skating
And of course, the advanced class:
Petty Magic: Wand Amplification, where Vex teaches the goblin children how to broadcast disrespect magically, so small inconveniences become educational moments.
2. Boundaries With Style (aka The Art of the Bird)
Anyone can set a boundary.
Not everyone can set one with style, precision, and a faint smell of gasoline.
In the Realm, boundaries aren’t whispered.
They’re announced.
They’re drawn in chalk on the garage floor.
They’re engraved into the side of your ride with a pocketknife.
They’re tattooed on a goblin so he remembers not to touch your tools again.
The middle finger isn’t rude here.
It’s communication.
It’s punctuation.
It’s a cultural symbol of sovereignty, like a national flag, but greasier.
Vex teaches this art, usually while on roller skates, because nothing says “I won’t tolerate your nonsense” like flipping someone off while gliding past with perfect balance.
Boundaries here aren’t fences.
They’re neon-lit, reinforced steel, decorated with stickers, and occasionally electrified.
3. Money Moves with Malice
Here in the Realm, we don’t “make money.”
We extract it from the universe like it owes us back rent.
This isn’t a soft girl economy.
This is a motorcycle witch economy, where:
- flipping items,
- fixing engines,
- hustling side work,
- teaching goblins how to sharpen tools,
- and occasional chaos rituals
ALL count as legitimate income streams.
Money moves here are:
- petty
- strategic
- slightly illegal in spirit but not in practice
- fueled by caffeine
- always blessed by Vex (for a small inconvenience fee)
Our cultural stance on money is simple:
Your salary is cute.
Ours is feral.
>>>Your Salary Is Cute, But What Else Do You Bring To The Table?<<<
4. Skates Required on Tuesdays
This rule has no origin story.
Nobody knows who made it.
It simply existed when the Realm formed.
Every Tuesday, Chaos Academy enforces:
- skating in the halls,
- skating in the garage,
- skating past your problems,
- skating over men who stand in your way (accidentally, of course…)
If you don’t know how to skate, the goblin children teach you.
Badly.
Violently.
With enthusiasm.
Falling is a rite of passage.
Getting back up is culture.
Gliding with a crowbar in hand?
Religion.
5. Emotional Support Crowbars
Look, some places offer support animals.
We offer tools.
Here in the Realm, a crowbar is:
- a self-care object
- a personal boundary enforcer
- a multi-use device
- a mechanical wand
- a cultural heirloom
- a conversation starter
- sometimes a substitute for therapy
You don’t swing it at people, not unless you’re Lawless and the lesson is “don’t touch my bike.”
But holding it?
Comforting.
Sleeping with it next to your pillow?
Normal.
Naming it?
Healthy.
This is culture.
6. Goblin Apprenticeships
Goblins aren’t children.
They’re workplace hazards with legs.
But they’re also students , and the Realm believes in hands-on learning.
Their assignments include:
- identifying which motorcycle is leaking
- organizing roller skates by chaos level
- fetching tools you didn’t ask for
- cluttering your workspace
- learning to flip the bird with conviction
Are they helpful?
No.
Are they entertaining?
Yes.
Do they contribute to culture?
Absolutely.
Chaos Academy could not function without their nonsense.
7. The Garage Is Sacred Ground
Our garage is:
- church
- school
- battlefield
- daycare
- therapy office
- artist studio
- and pit stop before emotional breakdowns
It smells like:
- oil
- coffee
- burnt rubber
- ambition
- questionable decisions
The motorcycles here aren’t machines, they’re characters.
The rat rods aren’t vehicles, they’re declarations of war against normalcy.
And the skates?
They’re portals.
Strap them on and suddenly you’re moving at the exact speed of your destiny… which is usually fast, unhinged, and slightly downhill.
8. “Fix It Yourself” Is a Cultural Value
If someone breaks your spirit?
Fix it yourself.
If someone underestimates you?
Grow louder.
If someone tries to shrink you?
Put on skates and take up more space.
If your rat rod breaks down?
Grab a wrench, swear loudly, and rebuild it better.
Self-repair is culture.
Self-respect is culture.
Self-reinvention is culture.
Nobody in the Realm waits for permission.
We just start tightening bolts until life makes sense again.
>>>> REALM BROADCAST STRAIGHT FROM REBEL: THE REBUILD<<<<
9. Humor Is a Weapon (Use Responsibly… or Don’t)
If you can’t laugh here, the goblins will laugh at you.
If you can laugh here, the goblins will still laugh at you.
Either way, humor is part of our spiritual backbone.
We joke to survive.
We cackle to rebel.
We make rat rod jokes to cope.
We roast each other because affection is confusing.
Sarcasm is our love language.
Petty is our dialect.
Feral is our accent.
10. The Realm Has One Rule: Be Real or Be Gone
We don’t do:
- shrinking
- apologizing for existence
- walking small
- performing pretty
- obeying weird social rules
- pretending
In the Realm, you show up as yourself:
- chaotic,
- brilliant,
- handcrafted like a rat rod built from spare parts,
- stubborn,
- and loud.
If someone can’t handle your energy?
“They’re under-built.”
— Lawless, probably
>>>>I’M NOT TOO MUCH – YOU’RE UNDER-BUILT<<<<
Conclusion: Welcome to Chaos Academy. Enrollment Is Eternal.
If you’re here, you’re one of us.
You belong in a culture where:
- petty magic is sacred
- motorcycles are emotional support animals
goblins attend class- skates are a rite of passage
- the bird is a universal language
- and women rebuild themselves like custom engines
This isn’t a school.
It’s a world.
A culture.
A rebellion with art supplies.
A rat rod of an identity, rattling, loud, imperfect, and absolutely unbreakable.
Welcome to Chaos Academy.
Return next week for Petty Magic 101.